Living in the Now: 9/11//2012

The past few weeks have been very high peaks followed by prolonged lows.  I am searching for purpose.

I feel like the past 6 years of my life have been exciting.  A lot of change has always surrounded me.  Relationships ended and new ones began.  There were constant new employment opportunities, three moves, and a cycle of life and death.  This kept me very busy.  It kept me from any sort of thought of plans my life.  In some ways, I think a plan for life is boring.  Plans never work out anyhow.  But now that I've been employed for a year and a half, I find myself planning.

And I hate it.  It's me in some ways, and in others it is not.  I am generally a cautious person who likes to live on less, so that I can hopefully have more in the times of unemployment that I have come to expect.  But now that I do not "expect" the unemployment, now I see myself looking long term.  How quickly can I pay off my house?  How quickly can I pay off my car?  If I work for the next 3 years, then my car will be paid off.  In 3 more years I can potentially pay off $12,000 of mortgage debt. 

But how will I feel in 3 years after spending that time in an un-ulfilling job.  Life is about time.  Not setting yourself up for the perfect retirement.  Then again, what if retirement is not enjoyable or non-existent because of a lack of planning.  It is a double-edged sword.


One thing in my plan that is certain:  I do not intend to be alone.  This has really been bothering me lately. 

But if I were to live for today, this is what I would remember.

1.) A friend of mine paid me a compliment.  He told me that I articulate my feelings really well.  I have felt so inept at understanding my feelings, I guess I didn't recognize that I can at least communicate what they are.  That in itself is a first step, I believe, toward moving forward.

2.) Still re-living Kahlan's win from Sunday.  I am also envisioning Loki as a champion.  l imagined that we won  in his first show.

3.) Kahlan fell asleep in my arms.  She doesn't do this every day.  Normally she snuggles for a bit, and just as I am enjoying it...she becomes uncomfortable and crawls off the bed.  Not last night.

Enjoying an every day experience:

This one is hard.  I guess falling asleep with the dogs at night.  That is of course a ritual.