Losing again

Last night I lost my 6 year old German Shepherd to Bloat.  Words cannot express how much I will miss her and how surreal the whole situation has been.

Intuition.  I should have listened to it.  When she threw up for the first time and was all hunched up, I should have known.  When I started to think to myself, "maybe she is pregnant somehow" (with the way that she blew up over the course of the evening), I should have known.  When she was wandering around and off into the darkness like an animal that is waiting to die...I should have known.  Intuition.  I have a lot of it, but I have turned that valve for some reason.

Last night I left the vet's office with no intuition.  I thought she would be good as new by morning and that I would be $4000.00 lighter.  The phone call within an hour and a half of leaving the office (because they made it sound like there was no problem), to recommend Euthanasia was crushing.

I fell asleep crying and woke up several times in the middle of the night like that.

Somewhere around dawn, I had a very real dream.  Mira was in my bedroom.  The entire room was lit up as though I had more lamps than I actually do.  My Mira came to me.

She walked around the corner of my bed and I greeted her as I always do.  I scratched under her chin and lifted her chin up to look into my eyes.  "Mira, I thought you had died.  I am so glad you didn't.  I am so glad you are here.  Thank you, Mira" I said to her as I wrapped my arms around her neck.  Of course it was just a dream.  But I thank her for coming to me one last time.  I will miss her the rest of my life. 

She has taught me a lesson about the phrase "going to".  We were "going to" compete in Rally.  I was "going to" start training her on Monday.  She was "going to" eventually compete in obedience.  "Going to".