Getting Clear

I am beginning to get a clearer picture of how I want to have a relationship in the future --- what I might be looking for.  That was not clear to me after a failed marriage and an important relationship break up.

John and Mary have been on the periphery of my life for many years now.  I met them in 2013 after a volunteer experience at Marble Retreat Center in Marble, CO.  On my way home I stopped in Carbondale, Colorado at their request, to meet with them and provide feedback on their newly adopted German Shepherd puppy.  We visited for some time on their front lawn and there was talk of staying in touch and potentially help with training or house/pet-sitting.  We exchanged emails, became FaceBook friends, and kept in very loose contact over the years.

In 2016, I took a trip to Glenwood Springs with my boyfriend at the time.  He ended up having a medical emergency within the first 24 hours, and I found myself with him in a hospital ICU, alone and many hours from home.  We had planned to meet up with John and Mary for dinner the following evening, so when I reached out to let them know of the "medical emergency" news, their response was incredible to me.  First, they wanted to come up to the hospital to sit with me.  And second, they wanted to have me up to their house for dinner and to stay over, instead of staying in a hotel by myself.  Both responses were so kind and thoughtful, I was beyond impressed.

in 2018, I reconnected with John and Mary for a meaningful weekend at their home in Carbondale, Colorado.  I was invited over to ski, even though I was a beginner and they were not.  In spite of their previous kindness toward me, I did not have overly high expectations for the weekend.  My plan was to ski, have a pleasant visit, and hopefully earn a gig pet-sitting for their now 6 year old German Shepherd, at both their Carbondale and Fort Lauderdale homes.  This would allow me to indulge in a favorite activity of mine:  travel.  I had such a good time with them during the 2 days/2 nights I stayed.  I was struck by the feeling at the end of the weekend that I would miss them.  I felt like I had been in the presence of family, and that was such a strange feeling for me in Colorado, where I have had no family for 19 years.

The three of us kept in touch over the next month, and I was invited to their home in Florida for a visit.  In retrospect, I'm not sure the exact reason for the invitation, but I was developing a friendship with Mary and there were plans for me to watch their dog in the summer months.  It's an incredible experience to be in the presence of long-term married people when you, yourself, are not married.  Many times, you are not invited "in" to experience this.  Over that weekend I saw a love between these two that had miles on it.  They were thoughtful with one another, enjoyed shared activities, and they served one another --- not in weird ways though...in practical ways that just develop when you have mutual respect and consideration for one another.

I visited with John and Mary several more times over the ensuing summer and fall months, and had more opportunity to get to know them.  They communicated with one another.  A lot.  One morning I just sat on my bed in the guest room and listened to them talk downstairs.  They communicated priorities for the day, what was happening with friends back in Florida, and other mundane things.  Mary loves to cook and keeps the house spotless, which I think is really important to John.  They each had their own activities, which they participated in, while checking in with each other throughout the day.

John and Mary do not have kids.  Mary said to me early on in our friendship that they could be like family to me while they are here in Colorado.  The "feeling of family" is something that I did not even know I was missing until I felt it.  John has become a mentor and father-figure to me since that first summer I got to know him.  The way he cares for me has helped me to understand what my Father in heaven is like (but that is a different blog post).  We do not have an official "adoption" since I am an adult, but he calls me his Daughter and I call him Dad.  Through my father/daughter relationship with him, I have further developed what I am looking for in my next important relationship.  Through my friendship with Mary, I have come to understand how serving your husband and those around you is important in a mature relationship.

Physical attraction for whoever is my future husband is important.  But I also want to feel mutual respect, admiration, and that he is considerate of me.  Travel is important to me, but a desire to build a home together, now that I remember what one feels like, is also a important.  The feeling that "we" are one another's home.  Mutual trust, respect, and admiration allow me to feel safe and to be myself.  Those attributes all translate into love for me.  I think if I can find an available man, in this wide-world, who reflects those qualities (integrity really), that I will find my soul-mate and my husband.

Being in the presence of mature friends, helped me develop many of these ideas.  They were kind of an accidental discovery, but I feel like it was divine, too.

Grief

Watched the movie "First Man" on November 12, 2018.  The ending made me cry.  As Neil Armstrong released the bracelet of his daughter, Karen, into the depths of the moon crater, I was struck by how much it reminded me of what grief really feels like.  Grief feels like falling backward, spinning in the darkness.  To feel it means you aren't sure you'll ever stop falling or spinning.  To go through it means you have to test whether both are possible.

Living in the Now 4/13/2018

Living in the Now:

Wake Up!!!!  Hey you!  It's been almost 5 years since you wrote anything!  A lot has changed.  Have you changed?  Ressurecting up a practice I started in the summer of 2012, when some normalcy began to return to my life, I think it's important to look back on what made us happy, and what we enjoyed about the every day.

1.)  Playing Kingdominos at lunch at Front Room Pizza, with my co-worker.  I could literally play board games for hours.

2.)  Reading a new book and making some progress!

Relishing a Normal Everyday experience:

Working hard on a problem at work.  I was getting some traction on solving the problem, breaking it down into smaller pieces and understanding those pieces more thoroughly.  

Snuggling on the couch with my 7 year old German Shepherd, Kahlan.  

Losing again

Last night I lost my 6 year old German Shepherd to Bloat.  Words cannot express how much I will miss her and how surreal the whole situation has been.

Intuition.  I should have listened to it.  When she threw up for the first time and was all hunched up, I should have known.  When I started to think to myself, "maybe she is pregnant somehow" (with the way that she blew up over the course of the evening), I should have known.  When she was wandering around and off into the darkness like an animal that is waiting to die...I should have known.  Intuition.  I have a lot of it, but I have turned that valve for some reason.

Last night I left the vet's office with no intuition.  I thought she would be good as new by morning and that I would be $4000.00 lighter.  The phone call within an hour and a half of leaving the office (because they made it sound like there was no problem), to recommend Euthanasia was crushing.

I fell asleep crying and woke up several times in the middle of the night like that.

Somewhere around dawn, I had a very real dream.  Mira was in my bedroom.  The entire room was lit up as though I had more lamps than I actually do.  My Mira came to me.

She walked around the corner of my bed and I greeted her as I always do.  I scratched under her chin and lifted her chin up to look into my eyes.  "Mira, I thought you had died.  I am so glad you didn't.  I am so glad you are here.  Thank you, Mira" I said to her as I wrapped my arms around her neck.  Of course it was just a dream.  But I thank her for coming to me one last time.  I will miss her the rest of my life. 

She has taught me a lesson about the phrase "going to".  We were "going to" compete in Rally.  I was "going to" start training her on Monday.  She was "going to" eventually compete in obedience.  "Going to". 

Last Year At This Time

Growing up, my mom always kept a record of the year.  She would write down everything on the free insurance calendar that came in the mail.  Everything from our first day of school, to Doctor's appointments, or extracurricular activities.  I wonder if she still has all of those old calendars.

I used to save calendars; like the one that I kept for the first year after my divorce.  It's interesting to read what appointments I had or which activities I participated in.  It's interesting to read how I was discovering myself.  This blog was in a sense a record of that self-discovery of myself as an individual.

And then, it turned really wrong.  I fell back into old patterns.  Patterns of allowing myself to be controlled.  Patterns of "standing still".  Patterns of putting my head in the sand.

So it's time to take a look back and see where I was last year at this time.  Or last month at this time.  Or last week at this time.  And decide if this is really where I want to be.

I have a feeling that in some ways it is and in other ways, it is not.