Fear

Why am I scared?

My entire life, I have lived with anxiety.  Anxieties that manifested themselves as a child as an irrational fear of the dark; an irrational fear of getting ill and dying; an irrational fear of going to hell.

My anxieties kept me from experiencing "normal" childhood on some level.  My body's way of dealing with these anxieties was sleepless night and a weak stomach that would often dump itself.  I had to turn down offers to go to sleep-overs or just not pursue friendships that might result in such offers.  I was afraid I would be sick or need my mother.  She was the only one who made me feel safe.

Tonight, I am faced with those same anxieties.  I sprained my ankle last week.  I rested my ankle all week so that I could attend this dog show in Grand Junction this weekend.  Driving over on Wednesday evening, I think my wrap was a little too tight.  I woke up this morning with it itchy and burning.  But...instead of assuming that it will heal and go away; instead of assuming that each day will be better, I began to imagine all sorts of possibilities.  What if I have damaged the skin tissue?  What if I get a blood clot and die.  What if I have done nerve damage (unlikely considering I never lost feeling in my toes) and will always feel this pain.  Why don't I wonder if perhaps the irritation was caused by the brace rubbing up against my leg.  Or what if it was caused by the wrap rubbing on the bare skin of my leg?  Why don't those seem like possibilities?  Instead I turn to fear.

I really don't want to die.  And I don't want to be injured.  I am scared to be alone and that I won't be cared for.  I am afraid to be in "real" pain.

I am hoping tomorrow, when I wake up, that my leg feels better, and I won't wear the brace on my bare skin.  I am hoping that all of the bad things in my mind, will melt into the background, and that I can enjoy these last few days in Grand Junction.

Living in the Now 9/26/2012

Yesterday was a tough day.  I sprained my ankle over the weekend, and that has made my life so much more complex.  I am unable to stay at my house alone, so I have to stay at a friend's house.  That would have been fun, if it weren't for the fact that my ankle must remain elevated.

But always with this exercise, I find there are always bright spots in a day:

1.)  An acquaintance of mine has been trying to help me get connected at a local church.  I am hoping this will help me gain friendships and push me toward a renewal of my spirituality

2.)  Another friend of mine contacted me with some great news regarding his start-up company.  Apparently they have been selected to compete for an award that could help the company get off the ground.  This excited me because I find myself feeling very stagnant in my life.  I want to take some risks, and it motivates me to do so when I see him doing it and succeeding.

An everyday event that I found satisfying:

Really, there was nothing "everyday" about yesterday.  I feel displaced because of this ankle business.

Living in the Now: 9/16/2012

Yesterday was a good day.  It could have been great, but instead was merely good.  Still...who can pass up a good day.

1.)  I really enjoyed watching two brookies battling over seemingly nothing in a small stream near a marshy meadow walk in Rocky Mountain National Park.  Thanks to my awesome Polarlized glasses, I could watch them with ease from my perch on the board walk.  They were oblivious to all but their own struggle.

2.)  I really loved sighting fish on the Big Thompson.  It's always amazing to me to watch a fish appear out of seemingly nowhere, only visible to the inquisitive eye.

There really was nothing every day to enjoy.  Everything seemed out of the ordinary.

Living in the Now: 9/12/2012

Today I woke up and the door to my fridge was open.  I guess I didn't close it all the way last night.  Much of the food spoiled.  I discovered this after putting butter and jelly on an English Muffin.  That did not taste right.

But the day went okay.  This is what I enjoyed today:

1.)  I opened my office window and enjoyed the sound of rain!  It hasn't rained in Colorado in quite some time.  And mostly when it rains it comes in the form of a thunderstorm.  This was a soaking "Ohio" kind of rainy day.  It was gloomy and I felt so cozy in my first floor condo.  There was a nip in the air.  I started to look forward to throwing a fake log on the fireplace.

2.)  Loki, the dog I am showing in a few weeks, exceeded my expectations at training class this evening.  He was a good boy, and I learned A LOT about training him.  I can't wait to train with him on Saturday and begin to learn how to make him feel happy and confident in the ring.  I also learned that I "can" show my own dog.

3.)  I saw a lot of progress in my work this afternoon.  That is always rewarding.

Something normal and every day that happened, which made me happy.  I had a nice glass of milk :)  My favorite beverage.

Living in the Now: 9/11//2012

The past few weeks have been very high peaks followed by prolonged lows.  I am searching for purpose.

I feel like the past 6 years of my life have been exciting.  A lot of change has always surrounded me.  Relationships ended and new ones began.  There were constant new employment opportunities, three moves, and a cycle of life and death.  This kept me very busy.  It kept me from any sort of thought of plans my life.  In some ways, I think a plan for life is boring.  Plans never work out anyhow.  But now that I've been employed for a year and a half, I find myself planning.

And I hate it.  It's me in some ways, and in others it is not.  I am generally a cautious person who likes to live on less, so that I can hopefully have more in the times of unemployment that I have come to expect.  But now that I do not "expect" the unemployment, now I see myself looking long term.  How quickly can I pay off my house?  How quickly can I pay off my car?  If I work for the next 3 years, then my car will be paid off.  In 3 more years I can potentially pay off $12,000 of mortgage debt. 

But how will I feel in 3 years after spending that time in an un-ulfilling job.  Life is about time.  Not setting yourself up for the perfect retirement.  Then again, what if retirement is not enjoyable or non-existent because of a lack of planning.  It is a double-edged sword.


One thing in my plan that is certain:  I do not intend to be alone.  This has really been bothering me lately. 

But if I were to live for today, this is what I would remember.

1.) A friend of mine paid me a compliment.  He told me that I articulate my feelings really well.  I have felt so inept at understanding my feelings, I guess I didn't recognize that I can at least communicate what they are.  That in itself is a first step, I believe, toward moving forward.

2.) Still re-living Kahlan's win from Sunday.  I am also envisioning Loki as a champion.  l imagined that we won  in his first show.

3.) Kahlan fell asleep in my arms.  She doesn't do this every day.  Normally she snuggles for a bit, and just as I am enjoying it...she becomes uncomfortable and crawls off the bed.  Not last night.

Enjoying an every day experience:

This one is hard.  I guess falling asleep with the dogs at night.  That is of course a ritual.