Living in the Now: 9/12/2012

Today I woke up and the door to my fridge was open.  I guess I didn't close it all the way last night.  Much of the food spoiled.  I discovered this after putting butter and jelly on an English Muffin.  That did not taste right.

But the day went okay.  This is what I enjoyed today:

1.)  I opened my office window and enjoyed the sound of rain!  It hasn't rained in Colorado in quite some time.  And mostly when it rains it comes in the form of a thunderstorm.  This was a soaking "Ohio" kind of rainy day.  It was gloomy and I felt so cozy in my first floor condo.  There was a nip in the air.  I started to look forward to throwing a fake log on the fireplace.

2.)  Loki, the dog I am showing in a few weeks, exceeded my expectations at training class this evening.  He was a good boy, and I learned A LOT about training him.  I can't wait to train with him on Saturday and begin to learn how to make him feel happy and confident in the ring.  I also learned that I "can" show my own dog.

3.)  I saw a lot of progress in my work this afternoon.  That is always rewarding.

Something normal and every day that happened, which made me happy.  I had a nice glass of milk :)  My favorite beverage.

Paw Prints

Today I received a card in the mail from Deer Creek Veterinary clinic.  When I saw the envelope, I thought it was either a condolence card or a letter telling me that her ashes were available for pick up.

I opened the envelope and it was a card.  But when I opened it, I saw an ink paw print of Trinity's.  I was overwhelmed.  I can't explain it.  It's just pure grief.  I've never seen something and cried and been brought back to that raw moment of death so quickly.

I remembered burying my face in her shoulder fur.  Holding her head, and the whole front of her body in my arms.  The doctor injecting a pinkish liquid into her hind leg.  The inability to ask if "that" was the stuff that would make her heart stop.  For some reason, I thought there was a pre-injection.  Then realizing that it was happening.  Not being able to watch the plunger run out of liquid.  Burying my head in her fur.  Hearing her say, "Her heart's still beating.  I gave her enough for a 200 lb. dog.  She has a very strong heart."

I wondered if I should pull away to let her know it was okay to go.  I decided not to.  She was smart enough to know when to go.  It hurt to hear that she had a strong heart.  That physically her body could have kept on going.  I didn't want it to stop.   I sobbed into to her fur and cried "Trinity.  I love you.  I love you Trinity" over and over again.  It was like a bad funeral.

"She's gone," the vet said.  I still held her for a few minutes until I could feel that she was really gone.  It was surreal.  I stood up and wiped my eyes.  The rest of the afternoon, I tried to be happy.  I even took Mira and Kahlan to the lake, with Jon.  I laughed and smiled as Kahlan bounded through the wake after a stick and swam for the first time.  I sympathized with Mira who retrieved the stick, but really wanted to go back to shore.  I could have good dog memories for a short time before the grief would come to haunt me and remind me of all the things that I didn't do with my best friend.

Now...Mira is my best friend.  She has been with Trinity and I since she was one and a half.  She's a little over five now.  Kahlan is Trinity's daughter.  I am having trouble bonding to her.  Because really all I want is Trinity and Mira.  Any variation, it's hard to imagine.

Physical loss

I lost my German Shepherd, Trinity, on Saturday.  She had not been well since mid-July.  I had to put her on anti-seizure medicine and I felt like I lost her in many ways then.  These past few weeks she had several more seizures.  Saturday morning she couldn't get up.  It's strange how you think you've lost something, because you lost their personality.  But when you can't put your arms around them and put your fingers in their fur; the physical sense of loss is just as amazing.  I miss her in an incredible way.

Mostly Alone

Note to self. Always sign cards in legible hand-writing.

This evening I was sorting through things; planning to clear them out. But instead, I let a whole lot of stuff back in. Graduation cards for instance.

Cards rarely seem meaningful at the time. But given years to marinate in an old box for 10 years, the sincerity or lack thereof become very evident. Cards from ex-family members. Cards from those who used to be "we" but now are "I" as the other has passed on. Several cards from people I can't remember at all. And I have a very dialed in memory for small details. And then there were several cards where I couldn't even decipher the signed name. Very unmemorable.

Then I started through the pictures. Of how I looked when I was 20 and 21 and 22 and engaged and at my bridal show and at my wedding and on my honeymoon and on vacation number "X" to Gatlinburg. How young my brother and my sister and my mom and my Dad and all of us looked. How much we must have thought we had aged at the time. But dang we all looked so good.

Then I go through my current pictures. The last seven years or so. There aren't as many. They aren't as varied. And I find that I am pictured mostly alone. Or I am not pictured at all. I have a bazillion pictures of German Shepherds. I have many pictures of other people. I have a smattering of pictures of me with my family. And then I have me in Waterton Canyon. Or me in Alaska standing on a staircase. Or me next to the river in Breckenridge. Or me with Trinity at the Hayman Burn area (pictured).

But I want pictures of me in Glenwood Springs. I want to see me standing next to the river flowing through the canyon near Moab. I want to see me in Arches with the sunset glowing on my face. I want to see me sitting on the edge of the canyon in Canyonlands. I want to see me dating someone. I want to see me standing in the picture with the man I am dating. Asking someone else to take the picture.

I want to see us going places. Yes...this picture was with such and such friends. Oh that picture was when we used to hang out with so and so. This is a picture of us at our wedding in Rocky Mountain National Park, with the wild falls rushing behind us. And this picture is of our families having a good time at our reception. Something simple. Here is my husband and I on our honeymoon. Pick something romantic and spectacular for those shots. Here we are at year 1. Year 2. Year 3. This is a picture of our first child being born. His third birthday. Our Sixth wedding anniversary. Now that would be a great picture.

Trinity Puppies

Puppies! Finally, Trinity puppies! I have waited years for this litter and finally it has arrived. I had to jump through a bunch of hoops and dump a ton of money on the deal to make it happen. But I knew I had to throw it all in one last time to see if it WOULD happen. It was worth every penny to hold these little ones in my arms.

Christmas Eve 2008

A fun tradition for me is attending a Christmas Eve mass. This year I attended Holy Ghost Catholic church in downtown Denver. The service was nice, but communion turned out to be not so pleasant. The guy hesitated on giving me the wafer and for a second I thought I was going to be denied. Then an alter boy went rushing toward me. Luckily he was after someone else who he suspected had not eaten the body of Christ. I thought for sure I'd been caught in my 'bootleg communion'.

This year I really out did myself with gifts. I am currently a victim of the economy, so I didn't have the bank to break on gifts. In a lot of ways, this was a good thing. It forced me to really think about how I could make small gifts more meaningful. The tree in this picture is the one I helped decorate this year. Alas, my pink Christmas tree from last year fell victim to my youngest German Shepherd's destructive phase.

Crystal Creek's Rainy Day

Trinity's pup....text to come

Trinity on Boulder Creek Trail

 

 

 

 

Went hiking with Trinity this afternoon on the Boulder Creek trail in Boulder Canyon. We parked at the Elephant Butte area and hiked a short distance up the trail before it started to rain on us. Didn't appear to be a passing phenomenom so we turned around. But not before I captured some othe these photos of my beautiful Shepherd. This was also my first attempt at having her stand. I tried to stack her like she would be stacked at a conformation match. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. She did fantastic staying in the pose, but I didn't quite capture her angles in my imperfect stack. I'll keep practicing because this dog strikes beautiful poses in the back yard on a regular basis.