Paw Prints

Today I received a card in the mail from Deer Creek Veterinary clinic.  When I saw the envelope, I thought it was either a condolence card or a letter telling me that her ashes were available for pick up.

I opened the envelope and it was a card.  But when I opened it, I saw an ink paw print of Trinity's.  I was overwhelmed.  I can't explain it.  It's just pure grief.  I've never seen something and cried and been brought back to that raw moment of death so quickly.

I remembered burying my face in her shoulder fur.  Holding her head, and the whole front of her body in my arms.  The doctor injecting a pinkish liquid into her hind leg.  The inability to ask if "that" was the stuff that would make her heart stop.  For some reason, I thought there was a pre-injection.  Then realizing that it was happening.  Not being able to watch the plunger run out of liquid.  Burying my head in her fur.  Hearing her say, "Her heart's still beating.  I gave her enough for a 200 lb. dog.  She has a very strong heart."

I wondered if I should pull away to let her know it was okay to go.  I decided not to.  She was smart enough to know when to go.  It hurt to hear that she had a strong heart.  That physically her body could have kept on going.  I didn't want it to stop.   I sobbed into to her fur and cried "Trinity.  I love you.  I love you Trinity" over and over again.  It was like a bad funeral.

"She's gone," the vet said.  I still held her for a few minutes until I could feel that she was really gone.  It was surreal.  I stood up and wiped my eyes.  The rest of the afternoon, I tried to be happy.  I even took Mira and Kahlan to the lake, with Jon.  I laughed and smiled as Kahlan bounded through the wake after a stick and swam for the first time.  I sympathized with Mira who retrieved the stick, but really wanted to go back to shore.  I could have good dog memories for a short time before the grief would come to haunt me and remind me of all the things that I didn't do with my best friend.

Now...Mira is my best friend.  She has been with Trinity and I since she was one and a half.  She's a little over five now.  Kahlan is Trinity's daughter.  I am having trouble bonding to her.  Because really all I want is Trinity and Mira.  Any variation, it's hard to imagine.