Tag. You're It

Blatant plagiarism on my part with the post title, by the way.

A childhood friend has a blog called She Loves You and creatively managed to create a blogspot url out of a song name that you would think is completely obsolete.  I am impressed.  Recently, she tagged me in a game.  Here are the rules:

1) Answer the questions posed, 2) make up 11 more questions, and 3) tag 11 more bloggers to answer them.

I don't have many connections to other bloggers, so forgive me if you are not interested in this question/answer game.

1. Do you go out to dinner alone? Concerts? Movies? When you do, do you feel comfortable, or is it awkward?

I do occassionally, go out to dinner alone.  I usually don't like it.  Going alone reminds me that I am alone.  That the person I would have preferred to eat with is not available.  That he is too afraid to surprise me with a drop-in visit because of trauma in his past. 

Concerts?  No.

Movies?  I have considered it, but have never gone.  Movies aren't that important to me.  I'd rather be outside.

2. Are you a "picky eater" or a garbage disposal type? Are there any foods you just won't touch?

When I was a kid, I was a very picky eater.  As an adult, no so much.  I have tried most western food.  Sardines are on my "not palatable" list.  I won't eat chicken salad anymore, because I believe it was responsible for a horrible case of food poisoning during a college spring break.  Gorrila Pizza, once sampled at a farmer's market in Boulder, CO is on my "never try again" list, as well.

3. Is there something you regret not doing? Why?

A first.  Too personal to answer on a blog.  Or maybe I am too gun-shy to be honest about that one in such a public setting.  Only best friends are allowed in on that topic.

4. Have you ever had "haters" comment on your blog? If so, what did you do? Either way, do you ever worry about readers' responses to what you write?

I have never had a "hater" on my blog.  I don't think I say anything that controversial.  Occasionally, I have had complaints from a real life person who didn't think I should feel a certain way.  I have worried what my readers would think.  In the past there were two readers with conflicting agendas, both of whom I liked.  If I were with one, the other would complain and vice versa.  I am glad that neither read my blog any longer. 

5. If you had to choose, would you live in the middle of the city or the middle of the country?

Middle of the country.  I've been living in a hellish suburbia for the past 5 years called Lakewood, CO.  I can't explain how much I would like to be rid of my neighbors.  I am amazed at some of the things that they think are perfectly acceptable as "renters".  Yesterday I found a pair of spandex shorts (I am generously not calling them underwear) in our shared stairwell.  I snobbishly own my condo.

6. If you had to say, do you think you are an introvert or an extrovert? Do you associate "shy" with introverted?

I am in the middle, according to the Meyer-Briggs assessment.  At work I tend to be more social.  At home I tend to be more introspective.  I am an INFP.  I do not associate "shy" with introverted.  I associate my comfort level with being by myself.  In fact, I get irritable if I don't have alone time.  An old acquaintance described this as his "only child" time.

7. If money wasn't a concern, what would you do? Quit your day job? Travel? Exactly what you are now?

I would quit my day job.  For sure.  I would travel around the state of Colorado and see all of the beautiful things it has to offer.  I would write two books.  One would be a book of photographs.  It would contain places and people.  For the places, I would write about how I was touched by this place.  For the people, I would tell their story.  The second would be the beginning of a series about a girl and her dog.  Growing up I always imagined my life would be much better with a dog.  I now know that dog I had envisioned as a young child was my late Trinity.  I would like to inject her into a story for other little girls to find her.

8. Are you a news junkie or are you blissfully unaware of what's going on until someone mentions it on Facebook or on your favorite blogs?

I am vaguely aware of what is going on around me.  I used to be blissfully unaware, but then I realized there were things going on that I didn't want to happen.  So I became a little more engaged.  Mostly, I don't want to become so involved in the media that I feel angry.  I feel like the news is meant to evoke a negative emotion, and I don't like that feeling.

9. If you were stranded on an island but could bring music, what album would you bring?

I have no idea.  Probably Sheryl Crow's greatest hits.  There's a lot that resonates in her music with me.

10. What are your thoughts on this new Shades of Gray hype? Have you read it?

I have not read it.  I have heard about it.  I am not sure what my thoughts are, but it does creep me out when someone posts about it on Facebook.  Isn't it erotic fiction?  I think some people are discovering this genre for the first time.  Read The Mammoth Hunters, people.  It's pretty graphic and available in your junior high school library.

I'm no prude, and I probably have a better imagination than she does, but if my 13 year old niece mentions it, I am going to be disturbed.

11. How do you feel about plastic surgery? Would you get it? Have you already had some done?

Funny you should ask.  I had a splinter in my thigh from a run-in with the retaining wall at my condo complex.  It has left a scar.  My cousin suggested I talk to a plastic surgeon, since my physician did not think that the scare would heal.  I actually thought about it.... 

My own token 11 questions:

1.)  Is there one  place in the world that you can go and feel complete and total peace?  Describe it.
2.)  Where is your favorite vacation spot?  What is your mother's maiden name?  Place of Birth....  Wait :)  Scratch this question....  Over personal :)
3.)  Have you ever taken the Meyer-Briggs Assessment?  If so, what was your personality type?  You can look it up online and take a mini-version if you like.
4.)  Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom in life?  If so, what did it look like for you?
5.)  Seriously, where is your favorite vacation destination?
6.)  What is the last thing you worried about?
7.)  How many times have you fallen in love?
8.)  Would you ever consider going on vacation by yourself?
9.)  What is your favorite book and why (okay...that's two questions :)
10.)  If you could live anywhere, where would "anywhere" be?
11.)  What is the scariest thing you can think of?

Tag, you're it:

She Loves You
WeKnowSnow
Kathy Escobar

If you have a blog that you would like for me to add:  I have a spot for 8 more people to tag.  Then you can answer the 11 questions and let me know what you think.

Temptation.

He was a gift I was able to resist.  He was my ex-husband re-packaged. 

While it's hard to believe another potential man is gone, wrapped up in another relationship, in another way it's a relief to realize that I resisted something that was very enticing, but not right for me.

He lived in a place that I wanted to live.  He made lots of money (at least he alluded to this).  He was friendly and seemed to have a large external network.  He played "host" on many occasions.  He was technical.  He was living with tragedy in his life.  He enjoyed playing.  I wanted all of these.  But I couldn't fall in love with him just to have them.  I needed to be in love with him, to share them.

But on occasions I heard echos of my ex-husband in him.  I felt pressure to be with him.  From him.  And I wanted to.  Yet I hadn't developed a physical attraction to him yet.  It felt like a dating relationship would be imbalanced.  There was neither a physical nor emotional bond, yet he wanted me to date.  I put up a boundary and said that I couldn't.  For several reasons I couldn't.  If I had taken down that boundary, I think we would both be miserable now.  Even if there was something that could have been right, that would have been wrong.

Maybe he was on the right track though.  As far as the dating thing is concerned.  Maybe I should just stay single until the right guy shows up.  That way, I would be healed from anything in my past.  Or it wouldn't be in my face as it is now.

Mountain Meadows

Well...this isn't the most stunning photo of the day, nor the best I've ever taken. But it leaves me feeling warm. Probably warmer than the day actually was. You see, I love mountain meadows. And I love being there with my dog. The only thing that would make a mountain meadow more wonderful than it already is, would be to share it with the man that I love; wherever he may be.

Late this morning, I was driving myself up the Guenella Pass scenic by way. I visited the pass for the first time about 10 years ago. It's hard to believe that I haven't been back since, considering I spent less than 15 minutes there and wanted so desperately to come back and hike.

Today, I went alone. It was the only choice I had. But as I drove the road by myself, I was glad I took a chance to take this journey by myself. I know it sounds corny, but my heart felt like it was singing to be so close to Colorado wilderness. Really that's all I need. To be close. Or to feel safe with someone else as we travel cross country, off trail.

I like to be away from the crowds, and on this fall day, almost no one was interested in driving a road that peaked in color weeks ago. Even the passing cars were hard to hear over the stream. I felt so lucky.

The road had changed. I remembered it being bumpy and broken. It was a dirt road past a certain point back then. The Ford Explorer was zipping so fast and bumping all over the place, back then, that I feared we might bump right into Georgetown's water supply. But today, the road was smooth. It was rennovated. I had an easy drive to the top and back down. Best of all, even though I was alone, this gave me lots of time to think. To think about the direction my life is taking. I realized, I'm tired of driving these roads alone. I'm tired of hiking alone or wanting to try something new alone.

Of course Mira kept me company. She was a good companion. She always wants to go where I want to go :) And coincindentally will leave when I want to leave :) All kidding aside though, I want a human companion who can share life with me. So that I don't have to do it alone.

I miss her in one way or another every day.  Wish she was still here.  Hope that I did the right thing.  But today, my "Trinity" thought, came to me via Mira.  Mira is my 5 year old German Shepherd.  When Trinity was alive, I used to wonder what each of them did during the day while I was at work.  Trinity must have been in the bedroom writing a memoir or solving the world's energy crisis.  Mira was probably sleeping in a pile of tennis balls in the living room, twitching with dreams of chasing them.  I never really thought Mira was that bright.  Just loveable.  Trinity was the genius.

But my opinion of Mira has changed.  On Sunday, she was one of a few dogs to pass the herding instinct test at Valdamar Farms.  I was impressed to watch her figure out a technique and see the sheep as a group.  I didn't even know what she was supposed to be doing.

Today, I took her for a walk down in Golden.  I taught her how to heel at my side.  There are definitely things to work on, but her precision in turning to the right is amazing.  Her confidence and trust in me as a handler, when other dogs pass, is incredible.  She is happy to be praised and happy to work well.  I don't know if she's a genius or not.  I don't need her to be.  The smile she put on my face today and last Sunday is enough for me.  Love you Mira :) 

Paw Prints

Today I received a card in the mail from Deer Creek Veterinary clinic.  When I saw the envelope, I thought it was either a condolence card or a letter telling me that her ashes were available for pick up.

I opened the envelope and it was a card.  But when I opened it, I saw an ink paw print of Trinity's.  I was overwhelmed.  I can't explain it.  It's just pure grief.  I've never seen something and cried and been brought back to that raw moment of death so quickly.

I remembered burying my face in her shoulder fur.  Holding her head, and the whole front of her body in my arms.  The doctor injecting a pinkish liquid into her hind leg.  The inability to ask if "that" was the stuff that would make her heart stop.  For some reason, I thought there was a pre-injection.  Then realizing that it was happening.  Not being able to watch the plunger run out of liquid.  Burying my head in her fur.  Hearing her say, "Her heart's still beating.  I gave her enough for a 200 lb. dog.  She has a very strong heart."

I wondered if I should pull away to let her know it was okay to go.  I decided not to.  She was smart enough to know when to go.  It hurt to hear that she had a strong heart.  That physically her body could have kept on going.  I didn't want it to stop.   I sobbed into to her fur and cried "Trinity.  I love you.  I love you Trinity" over and over again.  It was like a bad funeral.

"She's gone," the vet said.  I still held her for a few minutes until I could feel that she was really gone.  It was surreal.  I stood up and wiped my eyes.  The rest of the afternoon, I tried to be happy.  I even took Mira and Kahlan to the lake, with Jon.  I laughed and smiled as Kahlan bounded through the wake after a stick and swam for the first time.  I sympathized with Mira who retrieved the stick, but really wanted to go back to shore.  I could have good dog memories for a short time before the grief would come to haunt me and remind me of all the things that I didn't do with my best friend.

Now...Mira is my best friend.  She has been with Trinity and I since she was one and a half.  She's a little over five now.  Kahlan is Trinity's daughter.  I am having trouble bonding to her.  Because really all I want is Trinity and Mira.  Any variation, it's hard to imagine.