Taken From: The Carnival In My Head Blog by Kathy Escobar
reflecting back 2008:
• some words that described 2008…loss, heart-ache, betrayal, loneliness, broken-hearted, deception, hope, community, friendship, understanding, concerts, confession, love, abandonment, puppies, determination, struggle, family,
• the biggest surprise of this year was….my ex-husband telling me he could no longer be friends with me, breaking off all connection, getting engaged, and getting married.
• my biggest regret of the year was…not taking advantage of the last few months of the year to do more writing.
• i saw God in….Kathy Escobar, Trinity, Mira, Shaha’la, Kari Mackenzie, myself, the midst of my tears,
• one change that i made that i’m really proud of is…I let go of my ex-husband. I did not accept that he would “possibly” be friends with me again if he broke up with his girlfriend. I stood up for myself and said that I had to protect myself and could not live in that kind of relationship
• the hardest thing i tried this year was: finding a new “church” to attend. As it turned out, I found The Refuge.
• the relationship that got better this year was…my relationship with my Mom. She is beginning to accept that my ex-husband is gone and that I need to move on with my life. Even if it’s with a man that she did not approve of in the past. She said the words that she only wants my happiness. That was huge.
• some ways i felt loved by people this year were…listening to my story, sharing their story with me, walking with me in my despair, hugging me, holding me accountable for writing stories, saying “I love you” when I owe them nothing, suggesting books to read to help me with my “issues” (out of love and not out of judgement)
• some ways i loved other people this year: lending a helping hand at the Refuge, offering my support, listening, accepting,
• i tasted grace when: I told the truth of my story and I was accepted…not condemned. When my mother listened to me for 3 months
• a shift that i experienced in my faith was….that death and personal pain help me be more compassionate for others. I believe this is why God allows these things in my life. Otherwise, I might become very self-absorbed.
looking forward 2009:
• words that i hope describe 2009…love, growth, dare to (fill in the blank), camping, relationship building, healthy romantic relationships, self-acceptance, serving
• one thing i want to try that i haven’t tried before…camping A LOT this summer, and taking friends with me on my hiking excursions. Also, I would like to volunteer to help children at Joshua Station with their homework. Is that more than one thing?
• i’d really love to experience more of God’s healing in…removing painful memories from places I visited with my ex-husband. This way I can experience them afresh with others and not hurt over the past.
• the thing that i’m most afraid of about this year is…that I will go broke
• the thing i’m most excited about this year is…..the opportunity to commit myself to a different path, and not the same one that I feel forced to take.
• a relationship i really want to invest more of my heart in is….my friendship with Kimberly
• a characteristic of God i hope to experience more of is…hearing my confessions and experiencing his forgiveness
• a way i want to take better care of my heart is…by learning how to talk to God in a way that is meaningful for me.
• a dream (or two) i have for this year is…transitioning to a writing career, finishing a champion German Shepherd which will possibly lead to a new career in dog handling.
• one step toward that dream might be…writing daily and sharing that work with others.
• my wish for my family in 2009 is….that we are more honest and accepting of one another
• my wish for the world in 2009 is…that we respect and love one another.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Puppies and a Sad Departure
The American celebration of New Year is supposed to go something like this:- New Year's Resolution
- Out with the old
- In with the new
- Par-tay!
For a bit, I thought "Out with the old" referred to all of the baggage I carried around this past year. But on New Year's morning, I found out what this phrase would mean for me. Shaha'la, a beautiful twelve year old German Shepherd who had become a part of my life, suddenly became very ill. A stroke. An annurism...who knows. She could not walk, was sick to her stomach and seemed completely disoriented. We decided it was time.
I took her to a nearby animal clinic. The drive there was very sad and reflective. When Jon carried her out to my truck, I thought back to all the times she would have loved to take a ride with me. How ironic that her only ride with me would be her last.
I cried nearly the entire way to the animal clinic. They put her in a nice room for me and we lay on the floor together. I showed her my Zuni Bear and asked him to protect her. I assured her that the Bear would meet her on the other side. I assured her of my love for her and that I would be with her 'til the end. She was calm when the doctor came in to administer the overdoses of drugs. I blessed her with my Zuni bear and she cuddled against me as he gave her the first dose. She leaned back into my body and relaxed. Then the other drugs were given and I was amazed at how quickly she went. I held her there in my arms for a bit, feeling her breath on my hand from her nostrils. Then...she was gone.
They left us alone in there. I asked for five minutes. Shaha'la's spirit was hovering above me or already on it's journey to her Native people. I clipped her nails as keepsakes. Originally I planned to bury them all in a private ceremony. I will definitely do this, but I will also keep a few for my medicine bag. Shaha'la had a strong spirit and I know her strength, courage, and protection will go with me wherever I go.
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