Anonimity

Radio silence. It's nice in a way. Now that no one is paying attention, I don't have to worry about offending anyone. I don't have to be careful about which story I tell or which picture I post.

Have you ever known someone who is repeating themselves? I do. I know I am. I just realized this evening that the other woman in my relationship is a pack of 6 German Shepherd Dogs. The funny thing is, in my last relationship, the other woman was a bunch of middle school boys and girls. I wonder if it would be as strange if the other woman, really was another woman....

I see patterns. And I have to obfuscate them. This would be an ironic story. A man marries a woman he is madly in love with, who in his opinion is constantly going out with her friends. He doesn't like it, but lets her go because it's who she is. She cheats on him with said friends, and disappears.

So he hooks up with another chick, because he needs to pay the bills. And she likes to ride horses. He likes to ride horses. His ex-wife never liked to ride horses and he disliked that about her. They move away and follow their dreams of working with horses together. He is not madly in love, but marries her anyway.

She gets knocked up a few times and has a couple of abortions. Finally they are settled enough that when she gets knocked up again, they can have the baby who comes two months pre-mature. They divorce when the baby grows to a little girl.

The man is heart-broken. All he wanted was a family. Now his only little girl lives with his ex-wife and her lover. The other two babies got thrown away. All she wanted to do was "go" he said. She insisted they buy a horse trailer so they could take the horses and go. He bought a house in the middle of a horse community so they wouldn't have to. Why did she want to go away.

Who knows what happens in between, but eventually he meets another woman. She wants to go. She wants to go to the mountains and camp and hike and travel. She wants to write and take pictures. And he says that he bought a house in the middle of a horse community, near a state park, up against the mountains, on an acre and a half, so he would never have to go. Why does he need to go up there, when he has everything he wants, down here. She buys two dog crates and a bike rack so she can go whenever she wants and not be a burden.

He loves her, but she wants so many friends. She moved to a new community and wants to meet new people. He tolerates her search, but critisizes her finds. He refuses to socialize with her friends and becomes jealous.

All of this overwhelms the love. He breaks up with her. Now he can sit at home and grow a garden and watch the birds and raise his dogs who tear the house apart, one board at a time. He can breed his champion show dog. But he can't wake up early enough to get the dog there. He occasionally gets some time with his daughter, who is now old. She can't come over very often, because she has to care for the horses.

Mostly Alone

Note to self. Always sign cards in legible hand-writing.

This evening I was sorting through things; planning to clear them out. But instead, I let a whole lot of stuff back in. Graduation cards for instance.

Cards rarely seem meaningful at the time. But given years to marinate in an old box for 10 years, the sincerity or lack thereof become very evident. Cards from ex-family members. Cards from those who used to be "we" but now are "I" as the other has passed on. Several cards from people I can't remember at all. And I have a very dialed in memory for small details. And then there were several cards where I couldn't even decipher the signed name. Very unmemorable.

Then I started through the pictures. Of how I looked when I was 20 and 21 and 22 and engaged and at my bridal show and at my wedding and on my honeymoon and on vacation number "X" to Gatlinburg. How young my brother and my sister and my mom and my Dad and all of us looked. How much we must have thought we had aged at the time. But dang we all looked so good.

Then I go through my current pictures. The last seven years or so. There aren't as many. They aren't as varied. And I find that I am pictured mostly alone. Or I am not pictured at all. I have a bazillion pictures of German Shepherds. I have many pictures of other people. I have a smattering of pictures of me with my family. And then I have me in Waterton Canyon. Or me in Alaska standing on a staircase. Or me next to the river in Breckenridge. Or me with Trinity at the Hayman Burn area (pictured).

But I want pictures of me in Glenwood Springs. I want to see me standing next to the river flowing through the canyon near Moab. I want to see me in Arches with the sunset glowing on my face. I want to see me sitting on the edge of the canyon in Canyonlands. I want to see me dating someone. I want to see me standing in the picture with the man I am dating. Asking someone else to take the picture.

I want to see us going places. Yes...this picture was with such and such friends. Oh that picture was when we used to hang out with so and so. This is a picture of us at our wedding in Rocky Mountain National Park, with the wild falls rushing behind us. And this picture is of our families having a good time at our reception. Something simple. Here is my husband and I on our honeymoon. Pick something romantic and spectacular for those shots. Here we are at year 1. Year 2. Year 3. This is a picture of our first child being born. His third birthday. Our Sixth wedding anniversary. Now that would be a great picture.