Fear

Why am I scared?

My entire life, I have lived with anxiety.  Anxieties that manifested themselves as a child as an irrational fear of the dark; an irrational fear of getting ill and dying; an irrational fear of going to hell.

My anxieties kept me from experiencing "normal" childhood on some level.  My body's way of dealing with these anxieties was sleepless night and a weak stomach that would often dump itself.  I had to turn down offers to go to sleep-overs or just not pursue friendships that might result in such offers.  I was afraid I would be sick or need my mother.  She was the only one who made me feel safe.

Tonight, I am faced with those same anxieties.  I sprained my ankle last week.  I rested my ankle all week so that I could attend this dog show in Grand Junction this weekend.  Driving over on Wednesday evening, I think my wrap was a little too tight.  I woke up this morning with it itchy and burning.  But...instead of assuming that it will heal and go away; instead of assuming that each day will be better, I began to imagine all sorts of possibilities.  What if I have damaged the skin tissue?  What if I get a blood clot and die.  What if I have done nerve damage (unlikely considering I never lost feeling in my toes) and will always feel this pain.  Why don't I wonder if perhaps the irritation was caused by the brace rubbing up against my leg.  Or what if it was caused by the wrap rubbing on the bare skin of my leg?  Why don't those seem like possibilities?  Instead I turn to fear.

I really don't want to die.  And I don't want to be injured.  I am scared to be alone and that I won't be cared for.  I am afraid to be in "real" pain.

I am hoping tomorrow, when I wake up, that my leg feels better, and I won't wear the brace on my bare skin.  I am hoping that all of the bad things in my mind, will melt into the background, and that I can enjoy these last few days in Grand Junction.

Living in the Now 9/26/2012

Yesterday was a tough day.  I sprained my ankle over the weekend, and that has made my life so much more complex.  I am unable to stay at my house alone, so I have to stay at a friend's house.  That would have been fun, if it weren't for the fact that my ankle must remain elevated.

But always with this exercise, I find there are always bright spots in a day:

1.)  An acquaintance of mine has been trying to help me get connected at a local church.  I am hoping this will help me gain friendships and push me toward a renewal of my spirituality

2.)  Another friend of mine contacted me with some great news regarding his start-up company.  Apparently they have been selected to compete for an award that could help the company get off the ground.  This excited me because I find myself feeling very stagnant in my life.  I want to take some risks, and it motivates me to do so when I see him doing it and succeeding.

An everyday event that I found satisfying:

Really, there was nothing "everyday" about yesterday.  I feel displaced because of this ankle business.

Living in the Now: 9/16/2012

Yesterday was a good day.  It could have been great, but instead was merely good.  Still...who can pass up a good day.

1.)  I really enjoyed watching two brookies battling over seemingly nothing in a small stream near a marshy meadow walk in Rocky Mountain National Park.  Thanks to my awesome Polarlized glasses, I could watch them with ease from my perch on the board walk.  They were oblivious to all but their own struggle.

2.)  I really loved sighting fish on the Big Thompson.  It's always amazing to me to watch a fish appear out of seemingly nowhere, only visible to the inquisitive eye.

There really was nothing every day to enjoy.  Everything seemed out of the ordinary.

Living in the Now: 9/12/2012

Today I woke up and the door to my fridge was open.  I guess I didn't close it all the way last night.  Much of the food spoiled.  I discovered this after putting butter and jelly on an English Muffin.  That did not taste right.

But the day went okay.  This is what I enjoyed today:

1.)  I opened my office window and enjoyed the sound of rain!  It hasn't rained in Colorado in quite some time.  And mostly when it rains it comes in the form of a thunderstorm.  This was a soaking "Ohio" kind of rainy day.  It was gloomy and I felt so cozy in my first floor condo.  There was a nip in the air.  I started to look forward to throwing a fake log on the fireplace.

2.)  Loki, the dog I am showing in a few weeks, exceeded my expectations at training class this evening.  He was a good boy, and I learned A LOT about training him.  I can't wait to train with him on Saturday and begin to learn how to make him feel happy and confident in the ring.  I also learned that I "can" show my own dog.

3.)  I saw a lot of progress in my work this afternoon.  That is always rewarding.

Something normal and every day that happened, which made me happy.  I had a nice glass of milk :)  My favorite beverage.

Living in the Now: 9/11//2012

The past few weeks have been very high peaks followed by prolonged lows.  I am searching for purpose.

I feel like the past 6 years of my life have been exciting.  A lot of change has always surrounded me.  Relationships ended and new ones began.  There were constant new employment opportunities, three moves, and a cycle of life and death.  This kept me very busy.  It kept me from any sort of thought of plans my life.  In some ways, I think a plan for life is boring.  Plans never work out anyhow.  But now that I've been employed for a year and a half, I find myself planning.

And I hate it.  It's me in some ways, and in others it is not.  I am generally a cautious person who likes to live on less, so that I can hopefully have more in the times of unemployment that I have come to expect.  But now that I do not "expect" the unemployment, now I see myself looking long term.  How quickly can I pay off my house?  How quickly can I pay off my car?  If I work for the next 3 years, then my car will be paid off.  In 3 more years I can potentially pay off $12,000 of mortgage debt. 

But how will I feel in 3 years after spending that time in an un-ulfilling job.  Life is about time.  Not setting yourself up for the perfect retirement.  Then again, what if retirement is not enjoyable or non-existent because of a lack of planning.  It is a double-edged sword.


One thing in my plan that is certain:  I do not intend to be alone.  This has really been bothering me lately. 

But if I were to live for today, this is what I would remember.

1.) A friend of mine paid me a compliment.  He told me that I articulate my feelings really well.  I have felt so inept at understanding my feelings, I guess I didn't recognize that I can at least communicate what they are.  That in itself is a first step, I believe, toward moving forward.

2.) Still re-living Kahlan's win from Sunday.  I am also envisioning Loki as a champion.  l imagined that we won  in his first show.

3.) Kahlan fell asleep in my arms.  She doesn't do this every day.  Normally she snuggles for a bit, and just as I am enjoying it...she becomes uncomfortable and crawls off the bed.  Not last night.

Enjoying an every day experience:

This one is hard.  I guess falling asleep with the dogs at night.  That is of course a ritual. 

Living in the Now: 8/16/2012

Sometimes events unfold unexpectedly.  Those we think do not belong in our lives, re-emerge.  New chances are created.  Sometimes it is uncertain whether God is testing us to resist them or to re-engage them.  I think this was a test of honesty.

A few months ago, a guy friend of mine got engaged.  It was a little bitter-sweet.  I knew he wasn't right for me, which is why we did not formally date.  But it was a bit of a discomfort to hear that he is engaged and that I am still standing still.

But in fact, I am starting to move.  Picking up this book The Law of Happiness has made me realize that I can find happiness.  While I am an introspective person by nature and have seen myself in the past as a person who is on the outside, I now know that I can change my perspective by seeing the world around me through a different lens.  That lens means letting go of envy and examining my life through the lens of God.  His view of me sees all of my potential and uses grace to cover over the flaws.  He made me this way.  He is taking me somewhere that is different than everyone else.  Along the way will be lessons.  Lessons are often the result of pain.  They don't always have to be, but I've learned the most through painful experiences.

That said.  These are the things that I found enjoyable today:

1.) Reflecting on a friendship that I thought was over.  He reached out to me and invited me to his wedding.  What a courageous thing to do.  God spoke to me and said, have courage in your life.  Be honest with him, regarding his questions.  Don't make excuses.  Just be honest.

2.)  I am leaving to get a haircut in about a half an hour.  I am so excited.  It will be relaxing and fun to see my hair in a "kept" state.  I generally get a haircut about once every 4 months.  My friend Craig will be cutting my hair and we can catch up on where we are in life.

Taking in a normal, every day experience.

Coming home to my laptop?  It's much better than looking at information on my iPhone.  I swear that thing is making me go blind.

Watershed Moment

I do not know where my life is going right now.  I wake up depressed about that every morning.  Every morning, I wake up sad that I live alone and am not married and do not have children and I do not know where that man is; my future husband.  Except when we were in Estes Park, or I was in Gatlinburg, or I was in Marble this past weekend, I wake up alone and without purpose.

I want purpose in my life.  You do not see the purpose in going up to the North and South Platte river and standing thigh deep in the water with a 5 month old German Shepherd splashing around and crawling up on a rock with me.  You don't see the purpose of how that 5 month old shepherd is the closest thing I have to a baby right now and how he draws out my natural nurturing instinct.  You do not see me looking up at you on the river bank; not in my world.  You do not hear me ask you whether you would like to take off your shoes and socks and dip your feet in the water.  You don't hear the gentleness in which I say that you don't have to get in; just let your feet rest.  You are separate from me and the water, and the pup is the only thing that connects us. 

You do not see when I am standing in the water that in that exact moment the curtains are not drawn on my bedroom window and I can see myself floating down that river in a tube with good friends and a family and smiling and knowing I am exactly where I know I should be.  You do not see that it is exactly where I want to be.  It is the beginning of seeing the plan for my life.  You think in this free-spirited state that I do not think.