Fear

Why am I scared?

My entire life, I have lived with anxiety.  Anxieties that manifested themselves as a child as an irrational fear of the dark; an irrational fear of getting ill and dying; an irrational fear of going to hell.

My anxieties kept me from experiencing "normal" childhood on some level.  My body's way of dealing with these anxieties was sleepless night and a weak stomach that would often dump itself.  I had to turn down offers to go to sleep-overs or just not pursue friendships that might result in such offers.  I was afraid I would be sick or need my mother.  She was the only one who made me feel safe.

Tonight, I am faced with those same anxieties.  I sprained my ankle last week.  I rested my ankle all week so that I could attend this dog show in Grand Junction this weekend.  Driving over on Wednesday evening, I think my wrap was a little too tight.  I woke up this morning with it itchy and burning.  But...instead of assuming that it will heal and go away; instead of assuming that each day will be better, I began to imagine all sorts of possibilities.  What if I have damaged the skin tissue?  What if I get a blood clot and die.  What if I have done nerve damage (unlikely considering I never lost feeling in my toes) and will always feel this pain.  Why don't I wonder if perhaps the irritation was caused by the brace rubbing up against my leg.  Or what if it was caused by the wrap rubbing on the bare skin of my leg?  Why don't those seem like possibilities?  Instead I turn to fear.

I really don't want to die.  And I don't want to be injured.  I am scared to be alone and that I won't be cared for.  I am afraid to be in "real" pain.

I am hoping tomorrow, when I wake up, that my leg feels better, and I won't wear the brace on my bare skin.  I am hoping that all of the bad things in my mind, will melt into the background, and that I can enjoy these last few days in Grand Junction.