Losing and gaining

This title should be 'Untitled' because there is really no title I would give to losing your best friend. I thought about starting another blog to grieve this loss, but decided against it. All I want to do is blog my grief, not start a cause or find some sort of definition of myself through it.

So...this is for you Trinity. Everything I couldn't say outloud, but I think that I said silently between the two of us when I hugged you and messed up the hair on top of your head.

Starting a blog topic seems like a momentuous event. I realize that this blog has been all over the place, but I imagine more than a few, if not many will be dedicated to this topic of grieving my pup. An important topic should contain an important picture. Trinity took lots of beautiful pictures. She was a gorgeous dog. And I don't just say that because she was my dog. She struck what I consider a perfect german shepherd conformation pose almost every time she stopped. She "stacked" all by herself. And she smiled as though to say, "look at me! Aren't I pretty". She would have been a natural in the ring, had it not been for that coat. Her long coat. The coat that I loved and will always adore and want desperately in another dog in the future. But...I have to be careful not to clone my love and look for her in another. Each one has to stand on their own.

Anyhow. Back to what I was saying. Trinity took lots of beautiful pictures posing. And I took a few beautiful ones with her. We both looked good. But I chose this picture. No make-up and unkept hair. I chose it because it shows the bond that I had with her. How much I adored her and loved her. Holding onto her coat and wrapping my arms around her. Burying my hands in her soft fur.

Yesterday, when she lay in her coma in the sunroom, I held her in the same way. I put my arm underneath her head, and lay my body right up next to her. She actually moved a little toward me, which gave me the greatest joy that she knew I was there. I held her as much as I could and told her that all she had to do was get up, and we'd keep trying. But she didn't get up. I wish to God she'd gotten up.

I miss her more than words can tell. I would do anything to lay her across my lap one more time and bury my head in that soft fur.