Paw Prints

Today I received a card in the mail from Deer Creek Veterinary clinic.  When I saw the envelope, I thought it was either a condolence card or a letter telling me that her ashes were available for pick up.

I opened the envelope and it was a card.  But when I opened it, I saw an ink paw print of Trinity's.  I was overwhelmed.  I can't explain it.  It's just pure grief.  I've never seen something and cried and been brought back to that raw moment of death so quickly.

I remembered burying my face in her shoulder fur.  Holding her head, and the whole front of her body in my arms.  The doctor injecting a pinkish liquid into her hind leg.  The inability to ask if "that" was the stuff that would make her heart stop.  For some reason, I thought there was a pre-injection.  Then realizing that it was happening.  Not being able to watch the plunger run out of liquid.  Burying my head in her fur.  Hearing her say, "Her heart's still beating.  I gave her enough for a 200 lb. dog.  She has a very strong heart."

I wondered if I should pull away to let her know it was okay to go.  I decided not to.  She was smart enough to know when to go.  It hurt to hear that she had a strong heart.  That physically her body could have kept on going.  I didn't want it to stop.   I sobbed into to her fur and cried "Trinity.  I love you.  I love you Trinity" over and over again.  It was like a bad funeral.

"She's gone," the vet said.  I still held her for a few minutes until I could feel that she was really gone.  It was surreal.  I stood up and wiped my eyes.  The rest of the afternoon, I tried to be happy.  I even took Mira and Kahlan to the lake, with Jon.  I laughed and smiled as Kahlan bounded through the wake after a stick and swam for the first time.  I sympathized with Mira who retrieved the stick, but really wanted to go back to shore.  I could have good dog memories for a short time before the grief would come to haunt me and remind me of all the things that I didn't do with my best friend.

Now...Mira is my best friend.  She has been with Trinity and I since she was one and a half.  She's a little over five now.  Kahlan is Trinity's daughter.  I am having trouble bonding to her.  Because really all I want is Trinity and Mira.  Any variation, it's hard to imagine.

Physical loss

I lost my German Shepherd, Trinity, on Saturday.  She had not been well since mid-July.  I had to put her on anti-seizure medicine and I felt like I lost her in many ways then.  These past few weeks she had several more seizures.  Saturday morning she couldn't get up.  It's strange how you think you've lost something, because you lost their personality.  But when you can't put your arms around them and put your fingers in their fur; the physical sense of loss is just as amazing.  I miss her in an incredible way.