I wish

I wish I had taken her camping more. She was such a brave and independent spirit; she would have relished mountain tops.

I remember this camping trip when she was 8 months old. We went to the campground near Brainard lake, just west of Ward, CO. It was the second time I used this tent. She didn't sleep as well as when it was just her and me. She threw up on the way to the campsite, because it was up a windy road. That was somehow my fault, as was the tree that my "ex" ran into. On a relational level, the trip sucked. On a Trinity level, it was a success.

This was the last time Trinity ever went camping. After that, life became crazy. My "ex" and I went through a period of marital counseling, followed by a divorce. I was always so "out of time" after that, and afraid somehow to camp with just the two of us. She also developed an aggression issue that we had to address. I can only imagine how hard the divorce must have been on her. She lost a person in her life, her home, a backyard, time with her mommy (who now had sparse spare time), stability, and so much more.

But she gave, love, protection, devotion...even when I tried to give her away. About a year after the divorce, I went through a very difficult time and didn't think I could care for her any longer. I offered her back to my ex. Thankfully, he declined but he said that she was anxious for me every day that she stayed with him. When I returned to me, she was so happy to see me. She healed me with her love. The way she never wanted to be away from my side and would find a way to be near me. She would curl up at my feet and put her weight against me. I loved that.