Watershed Moment

I do not know where my life is going right now.  I wake up depressed about that every morning.  Every morning, I wake up sad that I live alone and am not married and do not have children and I do not know where that man is; my future husband.  Except when we were in Estes Park, or I was in Gatlinburg, or I was in Marble this past weekend, I wake up alone and without purpose.

I want purpose in my life.  You do not see the purpose in going up to the North and South Platte river and standing thigh deep in the water with a 5 month old German Shepherd splashing around and crawling up on a rock with me.  You don't see the purpose of how that 5 month old shepherd is the closest thing I have to a baby right now and how he draws out my natural nurturing instinct.  You do not see me looking up at you on the river bank; not in my world.  You do not hear me ask you whether you would like to take off your shoes and socks and dip your feet in the water.  You don't hear the gentleness in which I say that you don't have to get in; just let your feet rest.  You are separate from me and the water, and the pup is the only thing that connects us. 

You do not see when I am standing in the water that in that exact moment the curtains are not drawn on my bedroom window and I can see myself floating down that river in a tube with good friends and a family and smiling and knowing I am exactly where I know I should be.  You do not see that it is exactly where I want to be.  It is the beginning of seeing the plan for my life.  You think in this free-spirited state that I do not think.

Living in the Now: 8/15/2012

Since I am working from home today and can take breaks on my personal laptop, I thought I would get a head-start on this project for the day, while everything is fresh on my mind

2 pleasurable experiences

1.) I know it sounds weird, but paying off bills.  Trying to keep track of unpaid paper bills is difficult and it takes up brain cycles.  Now I can breathe a sigh of relief on at least one of those.

2.)  Taking care of errands that I've been putting off.  Once again, something I have been putting off that I think of often, but never take the time to do.  Now my mind is free to deal with other problems OR to think of new opportunities.

Relishing a Normal Everyday experience:

Writing!  I am writing daily!  That is a great feeling.  It's what I have wanted to do for sometime and I can't believe I can actually say that I am doing it!

Living in the Now: 8/14/2012

This is becoming difficult.  I think I will have to start reminding myself "This is a pleasurable experience" rather than trying to reflect the following day.  From what I remember:

1.) Cleaning and tossing.  I started cleaning yesterday evening.  Major cleaning.  I've felt like I was living in a huge laundry pile for the past few weeks.  And starting Monday, with the big Wii give-away, I began the process of sorting through what I really need.  Last night I realized that a few things that were unnecessary.  I threw out some things and set others aside to give-away.  All aspects of my house look better and I feel so much more peaceful in my house

2.) While I was cleaning, I ran across some important journals from my time when I was speaking with a therapist and life-coach.  It was insightful and fun to read what was important to me 5 years ago.  Some of these items are still important to me.  A few of the items that made me smile:

1.) become a dog handler (check)
2.) teach Trinity to be more social.  It was always a work in progress :)

Savoring a normal experience:

Sitting on the floor with the dogs.  When I came to their level, they automatically started interacting with me.  Before they were sleeping.  Kahlan came over and jammed her head into the space between my armpit and where I was sitting on the carpet.  She flipped herself over and enjoyed being petted.  Mira brought me a peace offering in the form of a ball.

Also, looking at the statistics for my blog, I am especially happy by the "repeat visits" that I occassionally see in the logs.  While I don't know their origin, Council Bluffs Iowa, Dayton, Ohio, Boulder, Colorado, and California come to mind.  I appreciate your anonymous browsing.

Living in the Now 8/13/2012

Monday was a good day from a giving perspective

2 pleasurable experiences

1.) Gave a friend my Wii console and all associated gear.  I had tried selling it on craigslist and my price kept dropping.  It kept dropping to the point where I would rather give it to someone than go through the trouble of dealing with craigslist.  The console is still a lot of fun and she was so excited to play it.

2.) Earned my NRA basic pistol course certificate.  That felt good.  Learning about guns was not something that came easily to me.  I was actually worried about the test, especially after I did not prep well.

Relished one normal experience:

I enjoyed the drive down to Chatfield for the pistol class.  I normally drive to that area to see Jon.  After a long day of work, it was nice to feel like I was getting away.

Living in the Now: 8/12/2012

Sundays can be the best day or the worst.  When I block out that my weekend is coming to an end, it is the best.  Today, I was able to do that.

Pleasurable Experiences:

1.)  Dipping in and out of the cool waters of the swimming pool and the warm temperatures of the hot tub at my condo complex.  Most of the time, summer days in Colorado are very hot.  The pool waters always feel good, but the opportunity to put that together with some nice dips in the hot tub felt really good.

2.)  Walking through Heritage square on my way to church.  I always think of my nieces and nephews or having kids of my own and how much they would enjoy riding the rides.  I also think of how much I would enjoy experiencing it with them.  I also looked at the ski lifts.  That looks like fun to ride sometime!

Enjoying a normal experience:

Eating a frozen pizza this evening.  Red Baron makes a mean pizza.  It was tasty.  Hey...it was small, but honest.