Living in the Now: 8/16/2012

Sometimes events unfold unexpectedly.  Those we think do not belong in our lives, re-emerge.  New chances are created.  Sometimes it is uncertain whether God is testing us to resist them or to re-engage them.  I think this was a test of honesty.

A few months ago, a guy friend of mine got engaged.  It was a little bitter-sweet.  I knew he wasn't right for me, which is why we did not formally date.  But it was a bit of a discomfort to hear that he is engaged and that I am still standing still.

But in fact, I am starting to move.  Picking up this book The Law of Happiness has made me realize that I can find happiness.  While I am an introspective person by nature and have seen myself in the past as a person who is on the outside, I now know that I can change my perspective by seeing the world around me through a different lens.  That lens means letting go of envy and examining my life through the lens of God.  His view of me sees all of my potential and uses grace to cover over the flaws.  He made me this way.  He is taking me somewhere that is different than everyone else.  Along the way will be lessons.  Lessons are often the result of pain.  They don't always have to be, but I've learned the most through painful experiences.

That said.  These are the things that I found enjoyable today:

1.) Reflecting on a friendship that I thought was over.  He reached out to me and invited me to his wedding.  What a courageous thing to do.  God spoke to me and said, have courage in your life.  Be honest with him, regarding his questions.  Don't make excuses.  Just be honest.

2.)  I am leaving to get a haircut in about a half an hour.  I am so excited.  It will be relaxing and fun to see my hair in a "kept" state.  I generally get a haircut about once every 4 months.  My friend Craig will be cutting my hair and we can catch up on where we are in life.

Taking in a normal, every day experience.

Coming home to my laptop?  It's much better than looking at information on my iPhone.  I swear that thing is making me go blind.

Watershed Moment

I do not know where my life is going right now.  I wake up depressed about that every morning.  Every morning, I wake up sad that I live alone and am not married and do not have children and I do not know where that man is; my future husband.  Except when we were in Estes Park, or I was in Gatlinburg, or I was in Marble this past weekend, I wake up alone and without purpose.

I want purpose in my life.  You do not see the purpose in going up to the North and South Platte river and standing thigh deep in the water with a 5 month old German Shepherd splashing around and crawling up on a rock with me.  You don't see the purpose of how that 5 month old shepherd is the closest thing I have to a baby right now and how he draws out my natural nurturing instinct.  You do not see me looking up at you on the river bank; not in my world.  You do not hear me ask you whether you would like to take off your shoes and socks and dip your feet in the water.  You don't hear the gentleness in which I say that you don't have to get in; just let your feet rest.  You are separate from me and the water, and the pup is the only thing that connects us. 

You do not see when I am standing in the water that in that exact moment the curtains are not drawn on my bedroom window and I can see myself floating down that river in a tube with good friends and a family and smiling and knowing I am exactly where I know I should be.  You do not see that it is exactly where I want to be.  It is the beginning of seeing the plan for my life.  You think in this free-spirited state that I do not think.

Living in the Now: 8/15/2012

Since I am working from home today and can take breaks on my personal laptop, I thought I would get a head-start on this project for the day, while everything is fresh on my mind

2 pleasurable experiences

1.) I know it sounds weird, but paying off bills.  Trying to keep track of unpaid paper bills is difficult and it takes up brain cycles.  Now I can breathe a sigh of relief on at least one of those.

2.)  Taking care of errands that I've been putting off.  Once again, something I have been putting off that I think of often, but never take the time to do.  Now my mind is free to deal with other problems OR to think of new opportunities.

Relishing a Normal Everyday experience:

Writing!  I am writing daily!  That is a great feeling.  It's what I have wanted to do for sometime and I can't believe I can actually say that I am doing it!

Living in the Now: 8/14/2012

This is becoming difficult.  I think I will have to start reminding myself "This is a pleasurable experience" rather than trying to reflect the following day.  From what I remember:

1.) Cleaning and tossing.  I started cleaning yesterday evening.  Major cleaning.  I've felt like I was living in a huge laundry pile for the past few weeks.  And starting Monday, with the big Wii give-away, I began the process of sorting through what I really need.  Last night I realized that a few things that were unnecessary.  I threw out some things and set others aside to give-away.  All aspects of my house look better and I feel so much more peaceful in my house

2.) While I was cleaning, I ran across some important journals from my time when I was speaking with a therapist and life-coach.  It was insightful and fun to read what was important to me 5 years ago.  Some of these items are still important to me.  A few of the items that made me smile:

1.) become a dog handler (check)
2.) teach Trinity to be more social.  It was always a work in progress :)

Savoring a normal experience:

Sitting on the floor with the dogs.  When I came to their level, they automatically started interacting with me.  Before they were sleeping.  Kahlan came over and jammed her head into the space between my armpit and where I was sitting on the carpet.  She flipped herself over and enjoyed being petted.  Mira brought me a peace offering in the form of a ball.

Also, looking at the statistics for my blog, I am especially happy by the "repeat visits" that I occassionally see in the logs.  While I don't know their origin, Council Bluffs Iowa, Dayton, Ohio, Boulder, Colorado, and California come to mind.  I appreciate your anonymous browsing.

Living in the Now 8/13/2012

Monday was a good day from a giving perspective

2 pleasurable experiences

1.) Gave a friend my Wii console and all associated gear.  I had tried selling it on craigslist and my price kept dropping.  It kept dropping to the point where I would rather give it to someone than go through the trouble of dealing with craigslist.  The console is still a lot of fun and she was so excited to play it.

2.) Earned my NRA basic pistol course certificate.  That felt good.  Learning about guns was not something that came easily to me.  I was actually worried about the test, especially after I did not prep well.

Relished one normal experience:

I enjoyed the drive down to Chatfield for the pistol class.  I normally drive to that area to see Jon.  After a long day of work, it was nice to feel like I was getting away.